will eat logos/brainz
and what I read felt so real to me that I started crying.
As a queer woc in the academy, even a white-passing one, I understand what it means to be so attached to an institution that is slowly killing me, an institution built to uphold and perpetuate the very structures that oppress me as a minoritized subject, and yet be unable to sunder that attachment because I’m still wed to an idea of “the good life,” however increasingly untenable it is (“the crises in education” and the adjunct hell that awaits me after this one).
This “slow death” is not only physical (I say “only” because it has certainly physically affected me—I’ve been in treatment, on/off meds, etc)—I’ve become politically apathetic. I am no longer able, nor have the time to care or invest myself, in the political projects I once found necessary and important. I feel so alienated from the person I used to be and from my peers and family. I have no affective attachments to the books that once shaked me in a profound and revolutionary way, inspiring political fervor and a radical hope for change. I don’t even feel teaching to be the important ethical act I once envisioned.
In other words, I’m worn out. This wearing out/thin is keeping me from doing the important work of political transformation. And that’s how cruel optimism functions. I realize that a life in the academy as a queer woc, or even as someone who takes seriously radical politics, is untenable—and yet, I keep on hanging on for the hope that I’m wrong, though experience and knowledge have taught me otherwise. The people that are “successful” in this institution are, to quote a professor of mine, “the best kind of capitalists.” I question whether this is not in fact true of every profession—is there any career not steeped in capitalism, racism, sexism? Is anyone not a capitalist, a racist, a sexist? I think not.
Another paradox of cruel optimism—the institutions killing us are the ones that also keep us alive. One reason why they are so hard to change. But still, there are “radical breaks;” there are micro revolutions; that are very small victories with a student, a text, a friend—when the “cruelness” gives way to something else.@3 weeks ago with 28 notes
changing my modernism field again! making it a field about gender, embodiment and 20th century literature (with a modernist bent). Suggestion for the literature are welcome (please! So far it’s Woolf, Joyce, Barnes, Faulkner, Hurston, Coetzee, Bolaño, Stein, and some New York school poets). Not sure how I’m going to do this in a couple months but I’m aiming to take my exams in May.@1 month ago with 6 notes
trashthetics said: also if u ever wanna talk abt ADHD things I am here for that, I am all about that life, etc.
Wellllll so my hermanita was diagnosed with it as a kid and because we’re complete opposites, personality wise, and I always did well in school, I never suspected I might have it? But I basically have always had issues getting things done on time, being organized, focusing, not day dreaming when ppl talk to me, etc., and I think the pressure of grad school has made it exponentially worse to the point where I’m just anxious and feel crazy most of the time. But like, I also think it’s a continuum you know? Like it’s a set of symptoms most people have at one point or another but like it’s only now that it’s ever really affected my life to the point where I can’t get work done at all.
Anyway getting assessed because I will not say no to addy, but it’s weird/everything is weird.
@1 month ago with 9 notes